How to ask and say no politely in Japanese

Level B1

How to ask and say no politely in Japanese

You need a colleague's help, and the colleague can't do it today. Japanese lets you ask in a way that makes a no easy to give, and lets you say no without leaving the other person guessing. This lesson gives you two request endings, one refusal, and the reason and alternative that keep the conversation going.

Review: help, reasons and what you can't do

Three things come back here. もらう tells an action from the side of the person who benefits: 友達に手伝ってもらいました is “I got help from a friend”, told from my side. ので gives a reason, and 行けません says you can't go. すみません、ちょっと… is the unfinished answer that turns down an invitation; this lesson finishes that sentence.

Words for this lesson

Four verbs to ask with: 手伝う (tetsudau, to help), 見る (miru, to look at), 待つ (matsu, to wait) and 貸す (kasu, to lend). Two nouns for the office: 書類 (shorui, document) and 会議 (kaigi, meeting). The examples also use 午後 (gogo, afternoon) and ペン (pen). 難しい (muzukashii, difficult) is the word in the refusal. てもらう you've just reviewed, and ていただく (te itadaku) is its more respectful partner.

Model: a favour between colleagues

Listen once without reading. One colleague asks for a look at a document, and the other can't do it today. Notice how the no arrives in steps: “sorry”, ちょっと難しいです, the reason, then another day. Nobody has to guess, and the favour still gets done.

Asking carefully: 〜てもらえますか

Take the て form and add もらえますか (moraemasu ka): 見て → 見てもらえますか. もらえます is the polite potential of もらう, so word for word the sentence asks “can I receive your looking at this?”. It works like English “could you…?”, and like it, it leaves the other person room to say no. That's the difference from 見てください, which tells someone what to do. You don't need 私 (I) or あなた (you): the situation shows who does what. The て forms here are 見て, 手伝って, 貸して, 待って and 来て (kite, from 来る, to come). With verbs like 飲む the form ends in で (飲んで), and the ending stays the same.

〜て／〜でもらえますか

More distance: 〜ていただけますか

いただけますか (itadakemasu ka) goes in the same place, after the same て form: 見ていただけますか. It's the same request, with more respect towards the person you're asking. Learn it as a ready-made ending: it replaces もらえますか, and the て form before it stays the same. You'll hear it often from staff speaking to customers. The English “would you mind” only marks the difference here; it isn't an exact match.

〜て／〜でいただけますか

Choosing: who you're asking and what you're asking

The first three sentences are one request for three listeners. With a friend, ちょっと手伝ってくれる？ uses the plain form. With a colleague or someone in a shop, 手伝ってもらえますか works well. With someone you show more respect to, such as a teacher or a client, 手伝っていただけますか fits better.

The listener isn't the whole story, though. A pen from a colleague is a small thing, so もらえますか is enough. Asking the same colleague to give up a weekend is a bigger favour, and いただけますか can be the better choice. A role counts too: a receptionist says 少し待っていただけますか to customers of any age.

With a close friend, いただけますか sounds distant or like a joke. With an adult you don't know, if you're unsure, it's the safer of the two. And politeness isn't length: a sentence doesn't become more polite just by getting longer.

Saying no gently: 〜はちょっと難しいです

Name what doesn't work, add は, then ちょっと難しいです (chotto muzukashii desu): 今日は, 金曜日は, 週末は (shūmatsu wa, the weekend). それは (sore wa, “that”) works when there's no day to name. すみません here means “sorry”, not “excuse me”. The translations give what the sentence does, which is refuse; word for word it's “today is a little difficult”.

〜はちょっと難(むずか)しいです

A no, not a maybe

この本は難しいです is about a book that's hard to read: 難しい has its ordinary meaning there. As an answer to a request or an invitation, ちょっと難しいです doesn't mean “it's a bit hard, but I'll manage”. It normally means no: ちょっと softens the refusal without making it any smaller. So when you hear it, don't press or repeat the request. Say そうですか (“I see”) and, if you can, suggest another time.

When you're the one refusing, being gentle shouldn't leave the other person guessing. すみません、ちょっと… can be enough when the situation makes it obvious, but it doesn't say what the problem is. A complete sentence with a reason and 見られません (“can't look”) leaves no doubt. How much to soften depends on the person and the moment, as it does with requests; it's a choice, not a rule about how everyone in Japan refuses.

Keeping it clear: a reason and another day

ので follows the plain form of a verb, as in 会議があるので (“because there's a meeting”, with ある, “there is”), or an い adjective, as in 痛いので. Then say what you can't do with a potential form: 見られません (miraremasen, “can't look”) is built like 食べられません, and 手伝えません (tetsudaemasen, “can't help”) like 飲めません. The reason can be short: 仕事があるので (“I've got work”) is plenty. If you can offer something else, end on it: 明日はどうですか (“how about tomorrow?”) or 来週は手伝えます (“I can help next week”). The は in 今日は and 来週は sets the times side by side: not today, but next week.

〜ので、〜ません

Model: a call from a clinic

A receptionist asks a patient to come in on Friday. The role calls for いただけますか, and the patient answers in the same steps as the colleague in the first model: ちょっと難しいです, a reason, then what does work. The clinic says 来て (“come”), and the patient says 行けません (word for word “I can't go”): each speaks from where they are, where English would say “I can't make it”.

Your turn, and the summary

Cover the sentences below. A colleague needs help at the weekend, and you can't. First make the colleague's request (shown below with もらえますか; いただけますか works too), then say no with ちょっと難しいです, give a reason and offer next week. Check your answers, then try again with 貸す or 待つ, or with another day.

In short: て form + もらえますか asks carefully, and て form + いただけますか adds distance; the choice depends on the person, the role and the size of the favour. 〜はちょっと難しいです refuses gently, and a reason with ので and another day keep the answer clear.

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